my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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