Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
