3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Randomize
