As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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