went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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