my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
