You smell like stripper and shame
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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