well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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