Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
