please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
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