if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
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