At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
