I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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