i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
You left your phone here
Wait...
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
