we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
