Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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