I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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