So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
