it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Randomize
