so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
