The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
