I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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