it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
