dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
and she was petting her beer can
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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