Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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