WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
