I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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