Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
they need to just BURY HIM!
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize