Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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