so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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