No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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