is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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