It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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