i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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