if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
