I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
pop tarts are not kleenex
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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