He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
