Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
It's shark week go big or go home
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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