I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize