Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize