you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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