He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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