sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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