So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
