I met the friendliest cop last night
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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