Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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