what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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