420 ftw
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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