my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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