I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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