put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
