I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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