Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
