your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
