she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
