I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
