If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
