I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
