I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
